My Home Remodel Experience
The Luxurious Kitchen
Parenthood meets Money Pit
Our home was over one hundred years old and our family was outgrowing it. We had to build an addition fast because in less than nine months we would be welcoming an addition of our own.
Ignorantly, we proceeded ahead thinking that we could beat the clock and have the project done in time to welcome our third child. Naively, we decided to inhabit our home while it underwent major rennovation. Unknowingly, we lived what ended up to be the combination of two movies- Parenthood meets The Money Pit.
With half of our house torn off, my husband, two sons----Benjamin, aged 2 and Erik, aged 3 and I, in the middle of a pregnancy and expanding along with the house, endured the chaos, confusion, and decision making of home remodeling with our laid back contractor, Joe!
An excerpt from the middle of the building process:
Hey out there and welcome to Week 11-
This is like the parental advisory that comes on your television screen before a movie or show:
Warning: This week, the writer was living under the false hope of early delivery combined with contractions- if you can’t stand the excessive complaining, your best bet is to skip this week and wait for next week.
Week 11- Big, big progress this week!
Times Cooked – 2 (if you count heating up a pizza) Items moved- 1 (me, barely) Power outages – 1 Phone outages- 1, again (Where do we live? Little House on the Prairie?) Pregnancy pain – More than a human can stand! New babies- 0 Weeks till baby arrives 3 or less! (please, oh please let it be less!)
Monday- We all wake up to a very rainy day and no one wants to get out of bed except for my early riser, Benjamin, of course. For the construction crew it is a good day for inside work. There is always plenty to do. The doorway for the boys’ new room must be enlarged and replaced. Unfortunately, no roofers will be working today because of the weather, maybe tomorrow. They only have a small portion left to finish. The electrician puts in a visit. He is checking out the situation of this Old House. In the morning, Joe asks how the contractions are going. I jokingly warn everyone to stay out of my way- however, they have subsided. He says no rides to the hospital are included in the contracting bid- that would be just my luck to take a ride to the hospital in the KBC Van. It sure beats my grandmother’s story –she was forced to take a public bus to one of her deliveries. Oi vey!
As for me, I surrender. I succumb. I am ready to drive to the hospital and bang on the door -pleading with them to let me in. I do the absolute minimum to get by today. It is a very sad day when you realize that you’ve changed from having the ”hots” for men like Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford to developing a huge admiration for Walt Disney and Richard Scarry. It’s times like this you thank the Lord above that some one decided to get inside a toddler’s mind long enough to create something that would keep them sitting still for 30-45 minutes. I resort to the use of video after video to entertain the guys. Of course, Ben could care less about videos. It’s cars or nothing for him. If it weren’t for Hot Wheels- I don’t know what I would do.
Later since I can’t fit in the garage through the aisles of stuff, I ask if some one wouldn’t mind getting my pizza out of the garage freezer- I don’t want to be stuck in between boxes. How chivalrous of Joe- he delivers --the pizza-- that is, to my door.
Tuesday - Things are probably the busiest and craziest they have ever been! This morning before I was out of the bed --or dressed for that matter, the roofers were here and started right in on the sunroom roof. Craig was still in his underwear. They were moving stuff around and off the deck and started climbing the ladder right towards the skylight above my bed before I could escape. Then, a heating and air guy came through and talked about an alternative to what we were previously planning that would completely update the whole house and get rid of the hot water heat. I could not even hear myself think with the roofers pounding, so we went to the park with Ben's playgroup and to McDonald's. I thought when we got back it would be calmer, but the steps to the house were gone. I was hoping that the slider wasn't locked so that we could get in the sunroom if we went around. There were the Polish men on the roof, Hispanic workers in the yard on lunch break (then they got to shoveling rock for the base of the porch), and some other men in and out of the addition. This was the most people and the most VARIETY of people yet. I said hello and asked who the insiders were, and it turns out they are the heating and air guys already working. This is a lot of action! Our babysitter Sarah stopped by to say goodbye and she helped me put the kids to bed. I could see right away that wasn’t happening because the roofers were now pounding on their part of the house and you could see the walls shake. If I weren't ready to deliver, I would definitely leave for a while -this is pretty crazy- (and I think I have been living with crazy for quite some time).
I remark to Joe about the wonderful progress – it seems to be an international effort today- He agrees and adds that he’s got the hillbillies (the KBC crew) working up top! In fact the KBC crew had “kicked it up a notch” as Emeril would say. They have finished the gable on one side of the house and added a peak on river front. Joe says we’ve got the deck in front of the house’s entrance to look forward to starting this week as well. They continue to rip out the entire chimney. I ask if we have to move anything in our living area for the heating and air guys. He says you won’t even know they are here. The new and improved plan is to rid the house of the old hot water heat system and put in forced air everywhere-even in the 100 year old part! Just like Pinocchio becomes a real boy, we are on our way to becoming a real house- with forced air heat AND air conditioning. (I’ve too much Walt Disney in my life right now)
The boys are having a miserable no nap day with each one taking a turn throwing a fit. I must visit their room too many times. Looks like they win. “Unleash the hounds!” I let the little puppies out- no use fighting them, it is two against one. Wait till your father gets home! Craig comes home with papers for me to sign in order to get the new car, once the boys are in bed he drives out to Hillside to get it. Meanwhile, desperately tired, I ask the neighbors, Bob and Donna for their key so that tomorrow we can spend the day in their home and out of the way of the workers. Bob suggests I come over for a valuable lesson on controlling the remote controls on his television. (Splendid idea) Much later, Craig is back with a wonderful new kid friendly car- the Ford Expedition. I can barely manage a smile about it-must rest.
Wed – I feverishly plan our escape to the neighbors, by 9:30 we are gone! Everything is going really well, there is a full showing of Dumbo and a long morning nap for Ben. Lunch is virtually “crumb-less” and spill free. Then it happens, before I can get to him, Ben knocks over a candle and some knick knacks. I clean up and evict the boys before more casualties ensue. I’m disappointed that the very first time we go over to the neighbors something got broken. When we get home, the workers are going strong. I bribe the kids inside with the promise of cookies and Kool-Aid, otherwise, the moment the golf cart stops, they are off and running. Something tells me some one had been here. Inside, I discover the furniture is in complete disarray– the heat/air vents have been installed. Also, the bedroom/sunroom is completely disorganized and a big mess. There is dust all around the floor and on everything in the makeshift "bedroom”. There is nothing I can do about the mess except ignore it and switch on HGTV – while the KBC crew continues their chimney demolition and completes the outline of the deck.
Amidst the cacophony – of “My Woman from Tokyo” on the workers' radio, the happy sounds of Decorating Cents’ theme song on my television, the pounding of hammers, and the rumbling of the falling bricks, I just pretend this is NORMAL. There is one sound missing however, the laughing/screeching kids in their beds. Miracle of miracles they are napping! (Hurray) – This means I can put my feet up and plan my escape with the new baby - some contractions start up and the hormones are on high. Later, Craig calls and I explain about the mess that he gets to come home to- he says it is no big deal, he’ll clean it. I can’t move furniture anyway- sensing some hysterics coming, he suggests politely “when was the last time you had a Vicodin?" He wants to medicate/placate his wife. I reply that Vicodin is a joke- a bag of M & Ms would make me feel better than that. It simply doesn’t do a thing for the pain of a sacrum out of line, wearing on your ligaments and nerves for the past four months. I am worried about what is to come –until now this was the easy part. Martha Stewart has come on the television and is talking about measuring your home’s humidity for your houseplants. Get a life woman! I see the doctor tomorrow and there is a slight chance we will be scheduling inducement- I must focus on that. Perhaps a chocolate cookie will help. On second thought, maybe a box of them! Martha is now instructing me about the perfect recipe for potting soil…oh Martha –take a long walk on a short pier!! I cannot find the remote in this mess. WWMD- What Would Martha Do? I can hear her now, in her even, condescending tone….scoop up that lovely fresh made dust and collect it in a decorative box to make your own kitty litter, or take the opportunity now that your furniture is out of place to vacuum and wash the upholstery, then create a new floor plan. I am hitting the cookies Big Time!
Important Advice to Men for Handling a Woman in Crisis - (1) listen attentively or otherwise fake it (by no means offer solutions) (2) serve chocolates, lots (3) suggest a shopping spree and (4) do not question her purchases, instead help with the bags and ask did you get everything you need?
I decide to go out to replace the neighbor's broken candle and get some odds and ends- really just to be away for awhile. It is amazing the therapeutic effect shopping can have on a woman -even if it is for the purchase of a knick-knack, birthday cards, and cellophane tape. Just when I settle down with a cool drink and my new purchases - a book on entertaining toddlers - the storm outside gets fiercer, and you guessed it- the power goes out! Reading by candlelight loses its romanticism fast as the Chicago August makes the house hot and muggy to begin with- - that is it- I am up all night and can’t get comfortable due to the pregnancy pain. Good news - the roof worked perfectly- not a drop of rain.
Thursday- The outside of the house is a sloppy muddy mess and there is no progress on the deck due to rain. The guys get lots farther on the chimney demolition and the heat/air guys are back. I make every effort to be the first at the doctor‘s office. I even considered bringing my suitcase. The appointment goes well- the nurse says my blood pressure is nice and low – (with all that is going on- imagine that, it must be thanks to the Banks genes) The baby passes the stress test with flying colors. (What about the mother?) Then, the doctor sees me and announces there is no progress! WHAT? What were all the contractions for? She also says the blood condition I have developed is not dangerous enough to go through with the inducement that she spoke of before. If the baby had descended more she might have gone through with it. I look at her in disbelief and ask her not to send me home. She says she will do another blood test to be sure but to go on home. When I get home, Craig senses my disappointment and suggests we go to lunch. Couple time- what a novel idea! I am training a new babysitter and it is a good idea to leave for a short time. At the restaurant, I suggest a booth for more privacy (key thing to me these days) and just barely slide in between the table and booth. I relay more details of my appointment and tell how the scale said I had gained 7 pounds in one week. I had made the nurse weigh me on a second scale. That couldn’t be. After a pleasant lunch- the “baby” insists on dessert- (ok, maybe I did gain that 7 pounds all on my own and it wasn’t a mistake, but what else does a girl have at this point?)
Some time in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason, the phone goes out. I ask Joe for help, yet again. It turns out he and the neighbor on the other side have a working phone. I ask him if he thinks something happened during the construction today. He troubleshoots the problem and it is Ameritech’s issue- again. I take this chance to complain about the power company and the phone company. He patiently listens- with his special understanding brand of “contractor psychotherapy”. I speak to Craig via cell phone and he says that he has found out that it will be fixed by 5pm tomorrow.
Friday- First thing in the morning, Craig and Joe move some living room furniture around in order for the heat/air guys to get at the walls again. Everyone is back on the job and working hard. I feel like a spectacle with my largeness, and am uneasy surrounded by all of these men. I decide it is a good day to leave the men to their manly work and get out of the way. I am not waiting around for the phone man this time. Since I am not going in the hospital anytime soon, it is a good chance to get a haircut and stock up on more Hot Wheels. The doctor calls on the cell phone and says the blood count dropped only slightly – definitely no inducement Monday. My last possibility of relief- gone. I am excited for the house progress this week, but wish we could have had more in the baby department. Calling all Ya-Ya’s – HELP! (Jodi and Ellen must have ESP- thanks for the calls) I need to be around some girlfriends- or better yet in a maternity ward.
Thanks to the readers who have sent back messages of encouragement! It is good to hear from you, and I am glad you are enjoying our plight!
Lisa
Thursday, September 13, 2007
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